Ask Boot: How to be submissive

Been a while since you’ve done this, Boot. Are you sure you still have things to say?

Is that your question? Really?

No. Just making conversation. Sorry. What I wanted to ask was about being submissive.

Good. I know a lot about that.

You wrote a column once about the rules for being a new Dominant. What are the rules of being a new submissive?

That’s a great question.

Thanks.

You’re welcome. Let me see if I can answer it the same way I did before:

7 Rules for a new Submissive

BDSM is a strange and wonderful thing. And at some point, it’s new. Completely new. That can be as scary as it is awesome. Unfortunately, people don’t talk much about  how to get started, about what needs to done before you can jump in to a full time relationship.

Rule One: There’s no such thing as a ‘true submissive’

Someone telling you that you’re not a true submissive because you won’t do something? Fuck that guy. Wait, no. Not literally. I mean ignore him. There’s no one right way to be submissive. This is about you, about your sexual desires. If you don’t want to do something, that means you don’t want to do it; it doesn’t mean you’re somehow less submissive or a worse submissive. There is no perfect definition. You are a true submissive if you think you’re a true submissive. No one else’s opinion matters.

Rule Two: Yes, you do have limits. Really.

There’s a tendency to insist, as a new submissive, that you have no limits. Maybe someone told you that ‘a true submissive doesn’t have limits’; if that’s the case, check out rule one. But maybe it’s just you being desperate to find a partner. You don’t want to seem needy, or don’t want to seem like you’re in control, like you’re going to top from the bottom. So you say you don’t have limits.

But you do. You really, really do. If nothing else, you probably don’t want your partner to murder you with a razor blade. (If you do, BDSM isn’t for you; seek professional help first). You probably don’t want to be sent to prison, permanently disfigured, or whatever. There are places you don’t want to go, things you don’t want to do, and that’s okay. You have the right to say no to anything, and if there’s something you don’t like doing, you don’t have to do it. There’s a word for when someone is forced to do something sexually that they have no interest in. And, not surprisingly, rape is illegal.

Rule Three: It’s okay not to know what those limits are

There are two kinds of limits. There are hard limits and soft limits. A hard limit is something that you just don’t want to do. Like, for example, bestiality is a hard limit for me. I love dogs, but I don’t want to LOVE dogs. They make me happy, but they don’t turn me on. And I never, ever, want to be sexual with a dog. It’s a deal breaker for me. A soft limit, on the other hand, is something that either you don’t want to do or something you don’t think you’re ready to do. I don’t want to do any figging, and I don’t think I’m ready for a branding session. Does that mean I’ll never do those things, or that someone else wanting them is a deal breaker? No. It just means that we’ll have to work up to it. And that I may NEVER want to do it. (which is okay, because I get to decide what I like)

You don’t have to have your limits set in stone. Some of them are flexible. And some of them may not have occurred to you. If you’re new to BDSM, you may never even have considered the possibility of having a speculum put in your ass to widen the hole and make you always wonder if you’re going to accidentally shit your pants. Why would you have known that was possible?

Limits change, and that’s okay.

Rule Four: Negotiate

Just like a Dom, it’s up to the sub to communicate desires and interests. You have to talk to your prospective partner. You have to discuss what you like, what you don’t like. What you’re curious about, what you want to try, what you aren’t willing to ever do, and what you might want to try some day, but not yet. Discuss your limits. And really be honest. Communicate.

What’s about to happen is pretty dangerous. You’re going to put your trust, your safety, in the hands of another person. And if they don’t know something important, that’s kind of your own fault for not telling them. Similarly, if there’s something you don’t think they know or understand, you need to tell them not to do it. Be safe, and make sure you both know what’s what. The only way to do that is to talk. So talk.

Rule Five: It’s okay to change your mind

There is no point of no return in a scene.

NONE.

At any time, you can withdraw your consent. You can decide you don’t like something in the middle of it, and you can make it stop. If the whipping is too much, use your safe word. If you thought you’d like it but you don’t, make that known. Trust me, your dom would much rather stop in the middle of something than find out that you weren’t enjoying yourself and wanted it to stop. No one wants to find out that they were accidentally a rapist. It might be frustrating to stop, but they still need to stop.

This goes both ways, by the way. If your dom doesn’t like something, it’s okay for them to stop, no matter how much you enjoy it. Actually, that brings up an important point

Rule Six: It’s NOT all about you

This is about your pleasure. Really, it is. But it’s also about your partner’s pleasure. That’s why they’re called your partner. If only one of you is having a good time, there’s something wrong.

As the submissive, it really is your job to serve the dominant. That doesn’t mean your pleasure should be ignored. What it means is that your pleasure should, at least in part, come from your dominant’s pleasure. You should enjoy making someone else happy. Oral sex is great, but it’s best when the person performing it enjoys performing it, and isn’t just doing it so that they get their own turn. This is power exchange; you’re giving up power because you like it and you get pleasure out of doing so. That doesn’t mean your needs should be ignored completely, but it does mean that your pleasure comes second (or third, or fourth, depending on how many partners you have).

Remember, though: just because your pleasure comes later doesn’t mean it can be ignored. And just because their pleasure comes first doesn’t mean you should do something you hate.

Rule Seven: After care goes both ways

When you finish a scene, you might need some reassurance. Maybe you need to be told that you are loved, that you are valued. Maybe you just need to have your shoulders rubbed until the blood starts flowing again. Maybe that belt around your neck needs to be loosened before you pass out. Whatever it is, there are some things you’re going to need when the scene is over. But you’re not the only one.

Think about it. Someone who presumably cares about you, and who you presumably care about, just did terrible things to you. In other circles, the things you define as play might be seen as abuse, or as torture. Your dom needs to be reassured that you did enjoy it, that you do still love them, and that they are not a bad person. He needs to know that you don’t think he’s abusive. She needs to know that you don’t really think she wants to castrate you. They both need to know that you aren’t afraid of them, that you still feel safe with them.

Just like you need to be reassured that you have value, they need to be reassured that they are still good people. So just like they take care of you, you need to take care of them.

And while you’re at it, while you’re taking care of each other, maybe talk about the scene, about what you liked and what you didn’t, about what you hoped would happen but didn’t, about ideas you had, and about any surprises that came up. And by you, I mean both of you. You and your dom.

Because again, it’s a partnership.