I'm glad you asked. And so nicely. But seriously, I think this whole joke is starting to get old. So let's knock it off with the awesome routine, okay?
But you asked an important question. So let's talk about it. Let's talk about...
7 rules for a new Dom
There are a lot of books about the
dominant/submissive lifestyle, about power exchange. But many of them
tend to gloss over the introductory phases. Those phases, ironically,
tend to take the most time and effort, and are fraught with the most
danger for the relationship. I suppose no one talks about them
because they seem obvious, once you've been through them. But they
aren't obvious. At least not at first.
Rule one: GO SLOW
The most important thing to do is to
go slowly. Even if you have experience with D/s before, chances are
you don't have experience with the new partner. If you did, you
wouldn't be here. Every partner is different, and every level of
experience is different. When you feel confident in the scene and
really know what you like, you can get through a lot of the initial
stuff with a new partner by just negotiating. But let's stick with the idea that you're not confident in the scene just yet. Let's stick with the thought that this is all new to you. And to your partner.
That makes everything new and wonderful. Exciting. You get to explore all sorts of cool things together. The sky is the limit.
The problem is, you may not know what
you like, and you almost certainly don't know what your partner
likes. Maybe you're playing a new role you've never played before, or
maybe your partner is. Whatever the case, you need to be very
careful.
That's not very specific. It's all
well and good to say that it's important to go slowly, but how do you
do that? What do you do to go slowly?
Start with bondage. Bondage is one of
the most basic ways of handling power exchange. When one person is
bound, they have less control over the situation than they did
before. Power is exchanged. But start simple. The reason many people
use scarves for bondage is that scarves are soft, they give the
impression of being gentle, and they can be untied pretty easily.
When a lot of trust is built up, there can be harder types of
bondage, like ropes or handcuffs. But that comes later. For the start, you need to have the illusion more than the reality.
For example, try using the little
manacles that hook together. There's a big perk to these. For one,
they're comfortable and adjustable, easily fitting on to whoever they
need to fit on to. For another, it's bondage that isn't exactly out
of control. The person being bound can unhook the manacles, and be
free quickly and easily. But at the same time, the manacles can FEEL
like they're unbreakable; they can be struggled against and pulled at
without coming apart. This way, the person bound can feel the power
exchange without having to worry about actually being at someone
else's mercy. It's bondage, but illusion more than reality. See how that works?
Rule two: TALK
Once one of you is tied up, and you've
done your thing, whatever that is, you need to talk about it. Talk about what you've done, and maybe talk about what you're going to do even BEFORE you do it. (that helps you be safe, and be sure no one is doing anything surprising or without consent.
They
say communication is important, but it's never as important as it is
when dealing with power exchange. People hold on to power a lot more
than they realize, and sometimes giving it up can be traumatic. On
the other hand, sometimes it can be an incredible fantastic release.
That's something the two of you need to find out about.
There are a few specific things to go
over when you try something new. First, you need to see how each of
you felt about the new thing you tried. Did you like it? Did it feel
good? Did it turn you on? That last one is the most important.
Next, you need to know what needs to be done. Does someone need to be reassured that everything is okay, that you still like them? Are there sore muscles that need to be massaged? cuts that need to be bandaged? What do you need to do to make sure everyone is happy, to make sure everyone wants to do it again?
Speaking of which, you need to talk about whether or not you'd want to do that
again. Maybe the experience was so intense that it scared you. Maybe
you need to take some time apart, to deal with the situation and your
feelings. If you do that without talking, it will seem like
rejection. But if you talk, it'll be easier to deal.
The more you talk, the better things
will go. It's hard, but you have to do it.
Rule three: It's okay to repeat things
Kink is new. It's special and it's
fun. It's shiny. There's a temptation to just keep trying new things
time after time. It can be a slippery slope, pushing you farther and
farther, possibly farther than one or both of you are comfortable
going. This is because you'll think that you shouldn't do it again
because you've done it before, or because one of you did it with
someone else.
But the important thing to realize is
that you can do something a second time if you liked it the first
time. In fact, you can do it every time if you want to. Doing the
same thing every time you play isn't a rut; it's finding something
that works. Variations will develop for themselves, but it's good to
have the standards to fall back on.
There's a tendency to think that the part that makes it fun is that it's new. But that's not what it is. It's fun because it's fun. Fun things are fun (see how that works?). And that's good. More than likely, it's not fun because it's new. It's fun because you actually enjoy it.
Rule four: No, seriously, it's okay to
repeat things.
One of the benefits of doing the same
thing every scene is that it gets you both in the mindset and the
mood. The actions that you repeat can become something of a ritual, a
way to get your heads into the right space for what you're doing.
Then there's the issue of comfort. One
of the most important things in D/s is to feel comfortable with what
you're doing. If you both feel comfortable, it'll be easier to try
new things when you decide you want to try new things (and again,
this doesn't have to be every time).
Also, remember that it's fun. You enjoyed it the first time. Odds are, you're going to enjoy it even more the second time, the third time, or the fifty-eighth time. Fun sex acts are like wine: they get better with age. Or they're like orgasms: fun every time. Or like pizza: even if it's not the best ever, it's still pizza.
I think the orgasm analogy is most apt.
Rule five: Symbolism is very helpful
Sometimes, getting into the right
headspace needs some kind of symbol to start and end the scene. This
is why collars are used so much in the scene. Putting on a collar can
help the sub feel more like a sub. It can also help both people to
understand when the scene starts and when it stops. This is much more
important when dealing with humiliation; the one with the collar
knows that anything said while wearing the collar isn't serious, and
the tiny part of ego inside will know that they are still loved,
despite what is being said or done.
It doesn't have to be a collar, of
course. Sometimes this kind of symbolism is done with an article of
clothing, or a lack of articles of clothing. One person wearing more
clothing is an immediate power exchange. By wearing less, you are
more vulnerable, less powerful. The same can be said for shoes. Not
wearing shoes is less power than wearing shoes. Or wearing shoes that aren't exactly comfortable (like ballet boots) can be a loss of power (because it's a loss of mobility)
Having something that helps signal the start or the end of power exchange helps everyone get in the right mindset. It also helps everyone know when it's time to start aftercare. (Don't know what aftercare is? Go back to rule two). It can be anything, any kind of
symbolic act or article that helps you both identify with the power
exchange beginning and ending will help.
Rule six: Not a bad idea to come up
with rules
Rules can be a ritual. A scene could
begin with the recitation of the rules, and the rules could remain a
permanent standing thing. Those rules can govern speech, posture, or
activity. It can include what the sub must call the dom, or what the
sub will wear. It can also include things the dom must do or say.
You can write these rules down, you can recite them at the start of a scene. You can make sure that you both know the safe word (the word that means STOP). You can make certain that everything is good and safe.
Rule seven: It's supposed to feel good
I put this one last because it's the
most important. If either of you aren't enjoying yourselves, there's
something wrong. Very wrong. You need to communicate constantly about
things; sometimes something that has been fun for a long time will
suddenly lose it's joy. Maybe you don't like being tied up anymore,
or maybe you want to go a little farther than you have before.
It's about pleasure, all of it. And if
there's pleasure, it'll be more likely that you'll want to do it
again.
So when you tie someone up, maybe it
would be a good idea to tease them, to do things that make them feel
good but they might resist. Not a torture, but a reward. By
associating good feelings and pleasure with an activity, it will be
easier to do it again in the future, and to want to do it again. It's
supposed to feel good, supposed to be pleasurable. Keep that in mind
and remember to talk about it and make sure that both of you are
having a good time.
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