Ask Boot: consent

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Ask Boot: Consent


Why won’t you write my story? It’s just a fantasy!

But it isn’t consensual. And I don’t do that.

But it isn’t real.

I know.

So why won’t you write the story about rape, murder, and castration?

Because I don’t want to.

Usually, that’s how those conversations go. There’s sometimes a lot of back and forth, but it all pretty much follows the same pattern. I hear them whining ‘buy why???’ and no amount of telling them I don’t want to ever seems to be enough. Usually, I just stop trying. I point out that since they aren’t paying me, I can write whatever I damned well please, and they can kindly go fuck themselves.

Sometimes, I get a better reaction. Sometimes I get a wonderful response like “oh, I understand. Sorry.” Or even “that makes sense.” Usually, though, it’s whining. Or anger.

But seriously, Boot. Why won’t you write things that aren’t consensual? Is it just a matter of it not turning you on?

No, it’s not that. I’m not turned on by a man dominating a woman. I’m not turned on by incest, or cupping, or a whole lot of other things that I write about. If this was just about me writing the things that turned me on, there’d be a lot less variety.

So how about it, then. What’s the real reason?

You know I’m going to get up on a soap box, right?

It’s right there. Go for it.

Okay. Let me see if I can explain this in a way that won’t sound incredibly redundant to those who have read my thoughts on the subject in the past.

Violent video games don’t make kids violent. Violence on television doesn’t make people violent. Fetish stories don’t give people fetishes, and bondage stories don’t tie people up. I accept and agree with all that. On that level, I don’t think that stories about nonconsensual sex make people have nonconsensual sex. But I do think it might make some people think that it’s OKAY to do it. And I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I was, even indirectly, responsible for someone getting raped.

BDSM is already marginalized as all hell. It’s already seen as a deviant act. People out there who like to pretend that they are ‘normal’ look at us and think there’s something wrong with us. They think that we are evil, or that we were abused, or that we are abusive. And the more we write and present stories that support those ideas, the more likely it is that those people will feel their ideas are justified.

But it’s just fiction.

And it was just fiction when someone decided in the middle ages that Jews have horns. But when I was a kid, someone asked me how I hid mine. When people aren’t educated, and fiction is all they have access to, that fiction becomes truth.

Maybe, but it’s not like children are reading your stories and developing their ideas of sexuality from them.

God, I hope not. But then, what if they are? I mean, I’m not writing for children. I don’t even like thinking about that. But some of the people who find this site might be just as innocent as children.

What?

Maybe someone who just discovered kink will find a way to my site. Maybe they’ll read the stories and think that they’re true, or at least that they could be true. Maybe they’ll learn about BDSM by reading those stories. If that happens, if that’s even possible, I want to make sure I present the best possible representation of our community.

Why? No one else does it.

I really want to believe that isn’t true. I’m sure there are others out there who feel the way I do. But even if there aren’t, that just becomes MORE reason for me to do it. If the only exposure people have to BDSM is through Laurel K. Hamilton’s rape fetish (hey, if you like Anita Blake, that’s fine; but Hamilton CLEARLY has a thing for rape) or through Fifty Shades of Gray, or through movies where someone is FORCED or BROKEN into submission, then nothing is ever going to change the reputation our community has.

People used to think that ‘The gays’ were trying to ‘convert’ or ‘infect’ everyone. They thought that homosexuality was a disease, and one that could spread. They thought gay marriage would destroy marriage generally. Most people don’t think that anymore (thankfully). But some (unfortunately) still do. I don’t think the gay community would be excited by someone writing stories suggesting that all those terrible stereotypes were true.

Most people who write about BDSM don’t really have any concept of it. They don’t know about safewords, or about SSC and RACK. They don’t know how careful we are, how dangerous things can be, and how much effort we put in to making it safe. They don’t see the aftercare, or the negotiation, so it never even occurs to them that such things happen. And when they start finding out, the idea of it just doesn’t turn them on. They think it detracts from the scene, makes it less hot, less sexy. So those things get left out.

And someone reads those stories, or watches those movies, and they think that they know what they’re doing. They start playing with someone else who is just as ignorant, and someone gets hurt. That shows up on the news, and the whole world thinks we’re evil. A vicious cycle.

I can’t stop that cycle. But I can refuse to perpetuate it. I can write stories that have safewords, stories where people do care about each other, where they are safe. I can write stories where everything is consensual, even when the fantasy is that there wouldn’t be consent. That’s why I like ‘consensual nonconsent.’ If someone wants to pretend to force themselves on a willing and consensual partner, that’s okay. But I want everyone who reads it to be damned sure that the consent was actually there.

So, what, you’re some kind of crusader?

No, I don’t think so. I think I just have my own issues, my own beliefs, and my own moral lines. I stay within those lines, just like I would expect you, whoever you may be, to stay within your own lines. If your lines say it’s okay to write about rape, then I’m not going to stop you. But I sure as hell am not going to help you.

Were you raped or something? You seem to feel very strongly about this.

I was never raped. I was never sexually abused. I had two parents who loved me very much, and I grew up with a very healthy attitude towards sex. I was never physically abused, I didn’t grow up super poor. I never had to prostitute myself, was never date raped or roofied.

I’ve also never had sex with someone who had been drinking. Even if she and I had a long standing relationship and I knew she was consenting. The closest I got was when someone I knew wanted very badly to have kinky fun times, but was very uptight, and insisted that she needed to have a few drinks in order to do it. I was only willing then because she told me that when she was sober, and I watched her have her drinks. She insisted that she was still consenting and still fully in control of her facilities at every step. (I checked). And even that made me uncomfortable.

I’ve never had sex with anyone who I didn’t know wanted to have sex with me. I’m a bit extreme when it comes to consent, and I know that. But it’s a big deal to me, and so I won’t cross that line. Not even in fantasy.

Um. I think you might have a problem, Boot. I think this is a pathological thing.

Yeah, that’s what I’m told. And I’m okay with it.

And some of your early stories do have some non-consensual themes and actions in them.

I know. And I hate that. Even though the one that I’m guessing you are thinking of was written by me and for me, and was explicitly an attempt to break every taboo I could think of, it still bothers me. I made it non-consensual to prove to myself that I could do it. But I don’t want to do it again.  

There’s more than that one.

Yes. I know there’s one that takes place explicitly in a dream. And even that bothered me. I’ve come to grips with this over time, slowly refining exactly what I have a problem with. It wouldn’t be honest to go back and delete those stories. All I can do is say things like this, where I admit that I’ve made mistakes in the past, and where I can promise to do my best to avoid them in the future.

So when someone asks me why… it’s because I just don’t want to. I refuse to encourage that kind of perception of our community. Yes, I’ve done it before. And that was a mistake. One I don’t intend to repeat, and only keep as a reminder to myself.

The act of sex without consent is not okay. The fantasy of sex without consent is not okay. The fantasy of sex with pretend non-consent is a little iffy, but acceptable.

At least, that’s where I stand on the subject.