Ask Boot: Finding your Fetish

Dear Boot:

Lately, I've been exploring my sexuality. I think I might have a fetish, but I'm not sure.

If you think you, you do. It's not about the medical or clinical definition of fetish. If there's something that you connect to sex that other people don't, it's probably a fetish. That doesn't mean whatever your fetish may be is required to get you turned on. If it gets you more turned on, that's enough.

Wait. You mean anything that turns me on is a fetish?

No, not as such. I mean, straight men are turned on by a naked woman. Duh. That's not a fetish; that's heterosexuality. And preferring blondes over brunettes doesn't mean you have a fetish (just bad taste).

So where's the line?

Wherever you want to draw it. I like the 'that you connect to sex but other people don't' definition myself. I think tattoos are sexy as hell. A tattoo isn't automatically connected to sex, but it helps for me, so it's a fetish, though a minor one. If seeing a girl in lingerie is hotter than seeing her out of it, that's a fetish. If chewing gum turns you on, that's a fetish. If the thought of someone catching you having sex turns you on, that's a fetish. If children turn you on... seek help. But anything else, as long as it's consensual, is just fine. Does that help?

Whatever the case, this is all freaking me out. What should I do?

Ah. That's a whole different can of worms. Let's start with the obvious: breathe.

What?

Take a breath. Seriously. A deep breath. Brace yourself, because I'm about to tell you something about yourself, something that you probably aren't ready to hear. Here it comes. Ready?

No.

Too bad.

Fine. What is it?

You're normal.

What?

Yeah. Sorry, but you're normal. Having a fetish doesn't make you a special and unique snowflake. It doesn't even make you part of a subculture. More and more, people are coming to realize that fetishes are just part of human sexuality.

Do you have research to support that?

No. Not good research, anyway. Just anecdotal evidence. But it seems like more and more, in popular culture and just in every day life, people are accepting that there is more to sex than the standard (and overly puritan) ideas we used to think. Doesn't mean you're a freak, just that you're more enlightened about your desires than you used to be.

So having a fetish doesn't make me a bad person?

Nope. Even having a particularly bad fetish (like, say, children) doesn't make you a bad person. I know there are some religious folk out there who disagree, but as far as I'm concerned, your desires don't define you; your actions define you.

So it would be okay to have sexual fantasies about children?

I don't think so. It wouldn't be okay. But it would be better to have the fantasies than to act on them. If you do have those fantasies, chances are either there's something you need help with, or there's something in those fantasies you can fulfill with a consenting adult, in which case you don't need help (because you've found a way to handle it). Your desires don't make you a bad person. Your actions do.

Okay. I don't fantasize about children, by the way. I just want that to be clear.

That's fine. I have a feeling you want to tell me what you do fantasize about.

Yeah.

And you think it's pretty bad, right?

I do.

And since you're not a real person, just a figment created to help us point towards the acceptance of other people's desires, it's not a simple one, is it? It's not like you just realized that you find (gasp!) leather sexy or anything like that. It's not something that experienced kinksters will shake their head and say 'oh, honey' about, is it?

No. It's pretty intense.

Okay, good. What is it?

Zentai and forniphilia.

Seriously? Those are pretty simple. Zentai is the whole featureless suit thing, and foniphilia is being turned into and/or treated like furniture. Right?

Yeah. But I don't want to do it. I want to do it to someone else.

So?

Isn't that pretty degrading? I mean, it's really dehumanizing. You take away someone else's whole identity, then you take away their humanity and make them an inanimate object.

Again... so?

So how is that okay?

That depends. When you do it, do you imagine taking someone against their will and breaking their mind with torture and mistreatment until they accept this role, then use them in this way?

Dear god, no.

So it's between consenting adults?

Yes.

Then it's okay. The person or people you find to do this with you are doing it because they want to. It's a common misconception people have. They ask how someone could possibly actually want that? How could someone get joy out of being ignored? How could someone be turned on by being treated like a mindless object?

Right, that's exactly what I've been thinking!

Try this: imagine it from the other side. Pretend that you DO want to do these things.

Why?

Well, that's what we're heading towards. Just pretend you do, okay?

Okay.

Now, why would someone want to do that to you? They'd do all the work, after all. They'd have to help you into the Zentai suit, they'd have to help you get into a position that you could hold for a long period of time. Then they'd have to treat you like an object. They'd have to go about their lives pretending that the person, the human being who is listening to everything around them, isn't actually there. They have to imagine that the object is really an object, and they have to then be as comfortable as possible, and pretend to be as comfortable as they would be if they were really alone. Does that sound easy?

Doesn't sound hard. Not to me. Kinda sounds hot.

Sure. But that's the point, right? You think it's hot, because that's what you want to do. But if you were in their shoes (or suit), can you understand why it would be hard to imagine someone wanting to do it to or for you?

I suppose.

That's my point. You want to do it. Someone else wants it done. You'll fulfill a need for one another. You may not understand why they like it, and they may not understand why you like it. But can you accept that they like it?

Yeah, sure. People can like whatever they want.

Exactly. So you don't have to understand why someone wants to be dehumanized. A sadist doesn't have to wonder why a masochist likes pain. And someone doing flesh hook suspension doesn't have to wonder why the people being suspended like it.

But isn't that kind of... I don't know... wrong?

What? Your fetish, or flesh hooks?

Flesh hooks.

I think it's gross. I don't get it. It doesn't turn me on. But you know what?

What?

That doesn't matter. I'm not the one doing it. I don't have to like it, or even understand it. I don't know why people like it. But I know that people DO like it. And that's enough.

I see what you did there.

People can do whatever they want, as long as it's consenting. Doesn't make them bad people. Doesn't make them freaks. Just like your desires don't make you bad, and don't make you a freak.

Are you a freak?

Absolutely. But I'm okay with that. I choose to call myself a freak.

Why?

Because I like to.

I don't get it.

That's okay; you don't have to.