And no, I'm not sorry.

So today, I was going on a rant in my head about the things that annoy me (this one was inspired by otherwise attractive people wearing sweats and moccasins), and I got to thinking about what rules I would have if I ruled the world.

Which led me to realize that there is a world that I rule, a place where I can present these policies as if they would actually be followed. So I started writing, and kind of enjoy what came out of it. I hope you like it too.

Regular updates will recommence.... whenever I damned well feel like it. ;) In other news, The Interrogation is closing in on 1000 views, and the blog itself is closing in on 19,000. Thank you all!

Policy Changes

            Hello, employee of Erotica by Request industries! As our first year comes to a close, we have been reviewing policies and compiling a new employee handbook. If you wish to continue employment with the company, you will be required to know and follow these new policies.

Policy 1: Dress code

            While we strive to maintain a casual atmosphere, there are certain articles of clothing that are simply not acceptable. Continued misuse of these clothing options will result in having your clothing privileges revoked.

            Tights are not pants. As pleased as you may be with their snug fit or the warmth that they provide, and despite any arguments that they cover up enough to avoid arrest for indecent exposure, this is simply not acceptable. Yes, we know that Jessica has legs to die for and one of the greatest asses ever to grace the human race, but if we make exceptions for her, we will have to make exceptions for everyone else, and Brian has promised to make everyone regret it should that happen. Please, for the love of god, stop it.

            Similarly, all spandex is banned. We know the previous policy allowed spandex, saying only that ‘spandex is a privilege, not a right,’ but as it has been pointed out to the management that it is no longer 1987, we are unilaterally banning spandex across the office.

            Sweats, Velour of any kind, track suits: What are we, animals? These are not okay.

            Leather, Latex, Vinyl, and Rubber: All of these are strongly encouraged.

Policy 2: Footwear

            While it is not required that you wear boots at all times, and there is neither a minimum height for heels nor a minimum number of snaps, buckles, or zippers, there are some types of footwear that are unilaterally not acceptable.

            Moccasins. While knee high moccasins are potentially acceptable, the short slipper-like shoes are not. We are not savages, and should not dress like them. New shoes have been invented. Get on it.

            Sandals with socks. See above about savages.

            Crocs. There is no excuse for Crocs, not ever, not under any circumstances. Those who wear Crocs to work may face reprisal up to and including summary execution.

            Clogs. Being shoes that can slip on and look almost like boots from a distance, these are no longer okay. It is considered both inappropriate teasing and blatant false advertising. If you can’t get a good kick with your shoes without them flying off, they are not acceptable for work in this environment.

            Sneakers… Actually, you know what? It might be easier to just talk about what is okay.

            Acceptable footwear: While we frown on Ugg boots, it has been pointed out that they are, in fact, boots, and should therefore be tolerated at least at a minor level. Do keep in mind that they look terrible and make it impossible to make out the shape of your feet, but we do understand that on rare occasions, comfort can trump style. Similarly, running sneakers do sometimes present a pleasing shape, but should be kept to a minimum.

            Chuck Taylor shoes or other canvas sneakers are absolutely acceptable, and are the preferred type of athletic footwear. General rule of thumb: if the trainers make you look dangerous or remind people of 1950s hoodlums, they are perfectly acceptable.

            Doc Martens: Any Doc Marten boots are acceptable.

            Knee High: Shoes or socks, these are awesome.

            Boots: anything that could appear in a fetish shoot, kink convention, or recent Miley Cyrus video without being glaringly out of place is acceptable.

            Heels: While heels of fewer than 2 inches are frowned upon, they do still provide the appropriate sound when walking across the floor, and hence will be tolerated on the same level as Ugg boots. Any heels from 3 inches to ballet boots are acceptable.

            Platforms and wedge heels: Ugh. Fine. If you really want to. But please, make sure the rest of the shoe is attractive enough to distract the eye from these travesties.

Policy 3: Clothing and footwear maintenance

            We are trying to maintain a professional atmosphere. Please take the time to ensure that your attire is clean, maintained, and appropriate. Boots with scuff marks should be taken immediately to the nearest submissive (we have also been instructed that in any case when he is available, Boot LS should always be considered ‘nearest,’ no matter where in EbR HQ you find yourself) for cleaning, polishing, and/or repair. Scratches on leather pants should be mended at earliest convenience. Blood and other bodily fluids should be cleaned before leaving the break rooms, either via the tongues of submissives or by the shower heads installed in all break room closets.

Policy 4: Break Room Closets

            As a reminder to their purpose (the torture, tease, degradation, and use of submissives), all water leading to the shower heads over the bare concrete floor of the closets will be passing through the refrigeration systems, ensuring the coldest showers possible. Also, for your convenience, all towels have been removed from the closets. Submissives, please prepare to suffer. Sadists, please enjoy this extra consideration.

Policy 5: Casting       

            As before, we will be holding continuous open casting for roles in the production department. All dominants and submissives are encouraged to apply. Please be sure to specify your preferred fetishes, your position on the sadist/masochist scale, and the contact numbers of your next of kin. Dominants may apply in person in the HR department. Submissives and masochists may apply by crawling through the doggie door in the HR department.

Policy 6: Fraternization, public sex, public flogging, bondage

            Please keep up the good work.

Policy 7: The press

            As always, employees of EbR are under a strict gag order when it comes to speaking to members of the press about the goings on within the company. Due to our international and cybernetic presence, we are not pursuant to any attempts to legal force you to speak with anyone or to reveal the secrets of what goes on behind shackled doors. This is for your own protection as well as the protection of your coworkers, as many of the activities the staff engages in are considered to be ‘immoral’ or even ‘illegal’ under the laws of many lands and religious organizations. Please be cognizant of the consensual activities being performed on corporate grounds, and follow the gag order. Failing to do so will result in termination.

            If you prefer a more literal type of gag for your gag order, it will be provided free of charge. Just remember to get a cloth to demonstrate your safeword before any subsequent torture begins. Gags are available in many different styles and colors. Please beg your dominant and/or supervisor to select one for you.

            Thank you for your compliance to these policies. We will inform you of any further changes.

            Remember that medical is coming around to perform physicals and rigorous/invasive testing next week, followed by actual exams the week after. The actual exams are not optional, as we need them for insurance policies.

            Our corporate retreat is coming up, and will include trains on Lisa, Alexis, Shawna, Justin, and Christopher, followed by a trip to a secluded area yet to be announced, where no amount of screaming will bring you help or succor.

            Thank you for your continued work, effort, and the suffering that you endure or inflict, depending on your position within the company.

-EbR ‘Human’ Resources Department