Before I get to it, though, I need your opinion: would you rather a shorter book of Boot's Fairy tales or a longer book of Fairy Tales and Fantastic Stories? The difference is whether or not to include Becoming a Monkey Girl (And its sequel) and Finally a Girl Again. It would also be a matter of price; longer is more expensive.
And whichever you choose... what kind of picture would you like to see on the cover? Which story would be best represented?
Okay, on to Ask Boot:
What is the deal with all the pomp and circumstance, the rituals in BDSM? What is the appeal, from a submissive point of view?
Let's make sure we're all on the same page here. I assume you mean the use of collars, pet names, rules, all that stuff. And let's also be clear that there is no 'RIGHT' way to do it. Some people get turned on wearing a collar. Others look at a collar, even a beautiful one, and respond with "I'm not a dog." I'm not one of those people, but they're out there.
Yeah, that's what I'm asking.
Okay then. There is huge value, as a submissive, to having rules and rituals. They help me know when a scene is beginning and when it ends, which helps to shield my ego a little bit. When my wife (remember, she'll fucking cut you) insults me during a scene, I know deep down she doesn't mean it. When she beats me, I know she doesn't want to hurt me in any permanent way. I'm suffering for her, but I know she'll stop if I need her to. With the scene in play, I know that some things are different, that the love remains even through the pain.
I had a girlfriend in college who wanted me to recite a list of rules, from memory, at the start of every scene. Let's see if I still remember them: At the start of a scene, I would kiss, bite, or lick all over her body until she said to stop, no matter what she did to me during that time. I would then lick her boots clean, starting with the leather and ending with the soles. I would then thank her for letting me clean them. Then she would whip me a proscribed number of times (the number changed as my tolerance for pain grew). These were the rituals of our play. They happened every time, and rather than feeling like a chore or a redundant thing we did far too often, they became a wonderful way for us to get in the mind frame, a sort of foreplay TO foreplay.
It wasn't the only thing we did in a scene. Sometimes there would be some anal play, sometimes there wouldn't. Sometimes I would get trampled. Sometimes I'd be bound in some new way she had come up with. These rituals weren't the entirety of the scene; they were just the beginning.
We'd start the scene that way, we'd move on to do whatever she wished, and we'd end up having wonderful sex. People told me that they had sex multiple times a night, and I couldn't understand how; it took us four or five hours to have sex. Who had the time to do that TWICE? When did they sleep?
I've been with some people where the entirety of the ritual was putting on a collar. Once it was on, I was down on my knees, and the scene began. But the only thing that had to be consistent was wearing the collar. Once it was on, I was the slave. When it came off, I was me again.
This helps create a nice bracketing of time, a knowledge that a role is being played. It creates an extra safety cushion, an extra layer of safety and protection from the kind of damage these things might cause in other situations.
What do you mean?
Let's assume that I'm severely homophobic (I'm not; even if I was, I'd prefer the term 'gaycist'; homophobes aren't AFRAID of homosexuals. They're opposed to them, which is not okay). If during a scene my mistress tells me that I can never please a woman, that I clearly want to spend my life on my knees sucking dick, that I should just admit that I'm a fag and that I long for cock, that I might as well try to find a man (or group of men) because there's no way any woman would ever want me... That whole line of conversation might be a huge turn on, because to me (remember, I'm gaycist in this example) this is the ultimate in 'wrong' feeling. If I thought she actually meant this, if I thought that my cumming while she described me being gang banged by men or working at a glory hole for pocket change really DID mean that such things turned me on (and not that she just started talking about that stuff when she realized I was getting close to orgasm), it might really fuck with my head. But if she'd put a collar on me before hand, I'd be able to remind myself that it's not ME she's talking about. It's ME-As-Slave. And those aren't the same people.
It's not just for humiliation, either. If a male dominant beats his female submissive at any time he feels like it, it's not fun kinky play; it's abuse. But if he first cooks her dinner, then has her put on a specific uniform, kneel, and tell him that she belongs to him, that's different. And it's different mentally. SHE knows that he won't hit her because she displeases him in every day life. SHE knows he's not abusive. With the ritual, whatever that ritual may be, they both know when it's okay to do things and when it's not.
Rituals help me get into the submissive mindset, they help me dwell there without fear. They help me feel safe, they help me feel loved and trusted, no matter what is said during a scene. Rituals are before-care, and to me just as important as after-care.
Some people like a lot of long ritual. Maybe they light a candle, and the scene lasts until the candle goes out. Maybe they put on specific music to get things started. Some people want it to start with dinner, a massage, and a few drinks before breaking out the leather and the whips. Some people just want their master/mistress/goddess/etc to put on a sexy outfit, snap their fingers, and bring them to another room for the scene to start. Some people just say "Okay, be my slave."
It's different for everyone. But there are uses for these rituals. They set the scene, they are before-care, and they make things better, in my opinion.
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