Ask Boot (2)

So what's the deal with humiliation?

I get asked that question a number of times. (zero is a number). And I know what you're thinking: Why would someone as awesome as you like to be humiliated?

You'd think I'd get tired of that joke.

But let me get more specific, because humiliation is a huge topic. So to narrow it down: When is humiliation okay, and when is it not?

Excellent question. I'm glad you asked. You're pretty awesome yourself.

Anyway, when you think about humiliation, about someone who gets turned on by being humiliated or degraded, what do you think of? Maybe you imagine someone with really low self esteem, or someone who is disgusted with himself. Maybe someone who lives in his own squalor, who hates others as much as he hates himself. Maybe he doesn't shower very often, enjoys the leers and the disgusted looks people give him in his every day life.

Well, if that's what you image, that's pretty bad. And kind of bigoted. You should be ashamed of yourself.

The truth is, when someone is turned on by humiliation, they're only turned on by it in certain situations. It's like masochism. Just because you like being whipped in the right circumstance by the right person doesn't mean you walk around getting your fingers caught in mouse traps, stubbing your toes, or picking fights with random people. Liking pain is not the same as liking all pain. And liking humiliation is not the same as liking all humiliation.

It's easy to see with pain, but gets a bit muddy with humiliation. People who like humiliation have fickle desires, when you really think about it. We like to be called names, but not all the time. We like to be told to do things, but only by certain people. And only in certain places. So while I might be okay with being called a dirty slut by one person, if someone else called me that, I'd probably punch them in the throat.

Why are we that specific?

It's about trust.

You see, the kink isn't humiliation. Like most other kinks, it all comes down to taboo. To what we're not supposed to do, what we're not supposed to like. There's a thrill to it, to doing the things we're not supposed to do, to liking the things we're not supposed to like. Maybe it's the rebellion of it. Whatever the case, whatever the reason, it's not about the things we do being humiliating. It's about doing them anyway.

I like boots. I love licking boots. But I don't spend my time licking boots by myself in a room. What's the point of that? I've licked boots without anyone wearing them before, but I've only been interested in doing so when someone else told me to. Because it's about the someone else. It's about being told to do it, and doing it because I was told.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, thinking about why I like it, and why I prefer that they be worn. Why I won't lick boots randomly, no matter how long it's been. I like the act itself, but what really turns me on is the power exchange. The knowledge that I will do something so humiliating because I want to do it, I want to give up my power in the situation.

Maybe that's just me, just my focus on power exchange. Maybe that's just my kink.

Then again, maybe it isn't.

Let me go back to trust. When you play with someone, you need to trust them. I don't just mean that you need to trust them, I mean you need to trust them. It's fulfilling a need, a desire, an aching for trust, for putting that much trust in someone else's hands. You're sharing a secret, a want for something that you are ashamed of. And, more than just being okay with it, they're turned on by it. They approve of your desires. They accept them, and they accept you for having them.

And that is a beautiful thing.

It's also why it's not okay for someone else to do it. Not okay for someone else to call the names, for someone else to do the degrading and the humiliating.

Back to the name calling. If someone I'm with calls me a name, I know that he or she is doing it for the right reasons. I know that I'm being accepted, that I'm being appreciated. I know that they approve of my kink, and that they don't mean anything else by it. Call me a dirty whore, a worthless slave, whatever; I know you mean it the best way possible. I know that you care about me, that you accept my desires, and that you approve of them. I know you're getting turned on calling me those names just like I'm getting turned on being called them.

But if it's someone else, if it's just some random person calling me that name, then I don't know these things. I don't know that they really do like those things. I don't know that they accept me, I don't know that they respect me. I don't know that they're not judging me.

In other words, I don't know if I can trust them.

And since I can't trust them, I'm left with an important question. Do they mean it to be insulting? Do they mean it to be hurtful? Are they laughing at me?

I can't know for sure.

Maybe it's innocent. Maybe we're at a play party, they find me attractive, and they want to join in. Maybe that's all it is. But maybe they're being an asshole. Maybe they're looking down on me.

And without my consent.

That's the crux. Did I say that already? Well, that's the crux. When you engage in humiliation play with someone, they know what's going on. They are part of it. You trust them, they trust you. You both know what you're getting in to, you both know what's really happening. And you both know that at the end of the day, when all of it is over, there will be aftercare. There will be reassurance that you are loved, that your partner doesn't really think badly of you, and everything will be okay.

Someone else, though. They won't have the same chance to offer reassurances. They won't have the same connection. They're getting themselves involved, and they're doing it without asking. They're getting involved without consent.

So that's what it is. Humiliation play is about trust, about power exchange, and about consent. If someone hasn't been invited in, they can't be trusted. So it's not okay for them to play.